Nietzschean Metaphysics

A proviso:

I’m currently taking a class about Heidegger’s unique understanding of history as it relates to his later philosophical writings. One of the texts we are reading is Volume 4 of his Nietzsche lectures, entitled European Nihilism. I began this little thing as some free form notes about some of the things Heidegger brings up in the first 70 or so pages of the work (specifically that the will to power is a metaphysical concept that arises after nihilism wreaks its havoc) combined with my own personal knowledge of Nietzsche’s life, times and philosophy. It morphed into something altogether different. There is a good chance I will write my term paper for the class on something relating to the topic, but I don’t think I could really use any of this considering its persuasive and not at all cited nature. It was a good thought experiment and a way of attempting to understand what Heidegger was saying. Unfortunately, it’s a little heavy on Nietzsche and light on Heidegger. This, too, shall pass.

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Is it accurate or responsible for Heidegger to talk about the will to power and the historical nature of Nietzsche’s conception of nihilism as a kind of metaphysics when Nietzsche rejects such terminology? Nietzsche is very clear about nihilism arising and occurring due to a rejection of past values (from the perspective of the “God is dead” statement as a tipping point to the old values becoming meaningless) that leads to a necessary rise of a new value system in the form of will to power, but he is not clearly tying these new values into an explication of beings or the makeup of the world as such. Heidegger’s claim is that even though Nietzsche’s nihilism and will to power are expressly designed to move away from the values of the past and does not conceive these values as the definition of beings themselves qua being, what he is actually doing is creating a new conception of metaphysics (and, really, the last conception of metaphysics, as he refers to Nietzsche’s thought as the end of Western metaphysics) as evidenced by the way that other philosophers and thinkers during and after his time period begin to understand and approach metaphysics from a valuative perspective. Is it fair to discuss Nietzsche as a sort of metaphysician based on the thoughts and works of those that followed him, even if many of those thinkers may not even reference Nietzsche himself? Is this a case of Nietzsche overthrowing Western metaphysics through this perspectivism and subjective thinking that values themselves contain no meaning without relation to beings without realizing (or perhaps specifically deflecting or ignoring) that this new understanding of the world in respect to beings is in fact still a metaphysical system? Is this a veiled ontology? Are these values, especially considering that they only have any weight or understanding in respect to beings, simply an outward projection of the nature of beings themselves and as such a different way to approach the metaphysics of beings?

Nihilism begins necessarily from a point of negation. The philosophical understanding of the world has passed out of favor. It is no longer accurate; it no longer holds any meaning to beings. Nihilism arises because the old values held in high regard have lost their influence. From Nietzsche’s perspective, the old values of valuing those things beyond the self, above the self cease to impress, and it is necessary to overthrow that perspective, to negate it. Nihilism is the transitional moment that occurs when this negation happens. There is, for a moment, a life consistent entirely of no values or meanings, because they have been torn down, overthrown. The danger lies in stopping here. Nietzsche is quite clear that while nihilism taken as such would terminate once the values and metaphysics of the world have been negated, leaving the world a cold and empty place to be taken up by the existentialists of the twentieth century, its true purpose is to pave the way for a new viewpoint. A new set of values places the emphasis lower, closer to the ground as it were (if we’re thinking in terms of Aristotelian astronomy and its relation to the metaphysics of the age). The will to power, as the overpowering drive for the overcoming of the self to achieve greater things, the push toward the Overman, the understanding of will to power as a condition for self-preservation and the denial of the influence of the theological or spiritual realms, this becomes the source and relation between man and his values. It is a more organic, earthy, or instinctual perspective. Perspective itself becomes king. The objective is struck down. Nihilism is, in a sense, defeated, and the world regains new meaning and can move forth with an emboldened sense of personal purpose. Nihilism is a stepping stone.

The question, truly, is whether such a system that both requires a nihilistic destruction of the past and leads to a perspectival foundation of the future can be considered a metaphysical system. Heidegger certainly thinks so, and the arguments he makes are at the very least logical. While Nietzsche’s new conception of the world, and how beings interact with it, and how beings themselves are defined in relation to it is radically different from classical metaphysics, his system still is a conception of beings and the world and what they are and (in this case, due to the transition point brought on by the advent of nihilism) what they become. Is this not metaphysics? The significance of Nietzsche’s system is placed on values, but the values themselves are completely predicated on their relation to beings. You reach a point where the values and the beings themselves become indistinct, and even though the system is about values, the values are about beings, and you could make a syllogistic claim that as such the system is about beings. Is this also not metaphysics? It may be the case that this would be the first metaphysical system that completely and totally rejects any absolutes, objective truths, or a priori knowledge of the world (some systems may have rejected one of these propositions, but surely not all of them!), and as such, Nietzsche would have been hesitant to refer to a subjective metaphysical system as a metaphysical system. One can also think of things from the angle of Nietzsche as a sort of radical philosopher, and as such he would not want to think of himself or his system as a metaphysician or metaphysical because this would be too much of a reference or a calling back to the old ways he is trying so hard to destroy and overcome through the revaluation of all values that nihilism projects. What arises from the wake of nihilism is in a sense above and beyond classical metaphysics, and as such above metaphysics itself entirely. It is something new and wild, and heretofore unimaginable. It is the will to power.

Something else to consider, and it is a question to which we will most likely never know the answer, is why Nietzsche did not consider himself or his will to power to be metaphysical. There are numerous possibilities. Perhaps it just didn’t occur to Nietzsche that what he was doing in this post-nihilism world was metaphysics. This seems unlikely, considering that will to power is so heavily tied to the understanding and defining of the new valuation, and that it is an active trait that can be applied to any organic being in the world. The will to power is a concept that encompasses an understanding of both beings and the world. It is metaphysical to its core. It is exceedingly unlikely the Nietzsche could passively forget or overlook this. It’s far too blatant. What is more likely is the active choice to eschew the term metaphysics. And why wouldn’t he? The whole reason Nietzsche preaches the necessity of his particular brand of functional nihilism is to bring metaphysics back to earth. The etymology of the word meta (beyond) physics (nature. Beyond nature) must have been revolting to him. What can be beyond nature? All that we see, all that we interact with is within nature. Why would we even want to move beyond nature? It’s an empty proposition. It necessarily leads to nihilism! The will to power is instinctual. It is based in nature as this sense of overcoming and survival. The only reason man is considered paramount and the potential for an Overman even exists is because man has the unique faculty of being able to actively pursue the actualization of will to power. It is not metaphysical because it is entirely physical in its nature (pun intended?) and revels in the physical character of the world. Abstract absolutes like “Being,” “truth,” and “unity” are a waste of breath. Nihilism is the active death of metaphysics. It brings the whole enterprise to a close and builds something new out of its ashes.

So what we have is a situation where the classical definition of metaphysics both applies to the will to power as a system and is also defeated by it at the same time. Philosophically, metaphysics as the creation of a kind of world view that encompasses what it means to be and understand the world can contain Nietzsche’s conception of the will to power. This is where Heidegger’s point is made. He understands the will to power as metaphysics. But, if the arrival of the will to power is supposed to signal the death of metaphysics through nihilism, and it itself ends up also being a metaphysical system, is the will to power too destined to fail? Will it too become bloated and otherworldly, eventually valueless and require a new nihilism to break it down and build something new in the vacuum caused by its absence? Is this its own kind of eternal recurrence? A beautiful cycle of birth, maturation, decadence, death, and rebirth? A grand cosmic cycle? I certainly don’t have the answers. But it’s interesting to think about it.

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This post was written to the tune of The Who’s Quadrophenia

The Fall 2009 TV Season

I’m trying to keep this blog rolling after having actually updated it on a semi-regular basis beginning last week. Today, I wanted to give some thoughts on the fall television schedule and go over the shows I’ve been watching this season starting with Mondays.

There is the potential for spoilers in the course of this article (predominantly for Smallville). Keep that in mind.

How I Met Your Mother – CBS Mondays 8:00 to 8:30

I’ve liked this show for quite a long time. As far as the sitcom format is concerned, it’s a pretty pure structure. The key is that the show is allowed some wiggle room in its humor, and tends to go for a lot of non sequitur that usually works without being too completely over the top. One thing I can say is the show is somewhat in danger of overstaying its welcome. There were definitely parts of season four that dragged, and while there have been individual moments in season five thus far that have been greatly enjoyable, I’m noticing much more of a lack of direction here. It’s a little odd to see a sitcom that is in its own way pretty heavily serialized, and I think it’s beginning to suffer from the sort of Lost syndrome, in that it does not have an end date and they seem to be artificially extending the core storyline without any sense of forward momentum. I still like the show, and it’s still scripted strongly, but it’s not at the top of the heap like it has been in recent years.

The Big Bang Theory – CBS Mondays 9:30 to 10:00

When The Big Bang Theory first started, it seemed very much to be a heavily clichéd show. Look! Geeks! And they live across the hall from a hot girl! Who they can’t interact with because they’re socially awkward geeks! Shenanigans! Of course, there are moments like that in almost every episode. But what matters here, and what makes the show the best half hour comedy on television right now is twofold. First of all, all the characters have levels, are treated with respect, and rise above their clichéd origins. These are obviously caricatures of personality types, but they’re fully realized and feel like real people. Secondly, the writers have made sure that they know what they’re doing. They get the references to science, sci-fi and comic books right. This reinforces the feeling that the show is genuine, which helps immensely.

It should be noted that I am also recording House, but have not finished the latter episodes of the previous season, and as such have not begun watching the new season.

WWE Monday Night Raw – USA Mondays 9:00 to 11:08 (or so)

I’m reaching the point that if I don’t care about the guest host of Raw, I’m just not going to watch it now. I recorded last night’s because I wanted to see if they would actually pull off setting up the theme of the Bragging Rights Pay Per View in two weeks, but Nancy O’Dell isn’t going to make me watch a show full of wrestlers that are either annoyingly overexposed (DX, to some extent Randy Orton and Legacy, John Cena), annoyingly bad at what they do (John Cena again, Hornswoggle, anything involving the Divas) or annoyingly not given enough time to do their thing (Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, basically everyone on the midcard). The only saving grace right now is the team-up of Chris Jericho and the Big Show. But that’s usually not worth two hours of television unless the guest host is perceived to be possibly entertaining.

The Ultimate Fighter: Heavyweights – Spike TV Wednesdays 10:00 to 11:00

Oh, Ultimate Fighter. You’re so ridiculous this season. From the constant war of words between Rampage Jackson and Rashad Evans to the undeniable appeal of guys like Marcus Jones to the obvious draw of Kimbo Slice and Roy Nelson, it’s certainly one of the more interesting seasons of the show. It’s a good thing that the off cage politics are so damned enjoyable to watch, because these big boys CAN’T FIGHT TO SAVE THEIR LIVES. Sure, a lot of the fights on Ultimate Fighter shows in the past have been lousy, but not to this point. Wes Shivers literally doubled over, both hands on his knees sucking in air like it’s going out of style, and James McSweeney (supposedly one of the better fighters on the show) couldn’t finish him? Even the Madsen/Wagner fight from episode one, which was notable because it featured arguably the worst gash I’ve ever seen in UFC history, sucked. It’s a hell of an entertaining show, but if you’re only interested in the fights themselves, you might want to stay away.

Smallville – The CW Fridays 8:00 to 9:00

Over the past three weeks or so, I’ve managed to watch all of seasons seven and eight of Smallville, as well as the first two episodes of season nine to get myself practically caught up to the show as it airs. It’s gotten immensely better. Seasons five and six were pretty rough. Seasons seven and eight were very much mythos seasons, with a lot of emphasis on Krypton, and its connected properties (Doomsday, the Houses of El and Zod, Supergirl, etc.), as well as the added wrinkle of Veritas and The Traveler, which was really the highlight of season seven, and added a nice mystique to the daily goings on. Season nine has been decent. I really liked the design on Metallo, and the beginnings of the Major Zod story arc look to pay dividends down the line (and hey, any geek worth his salt is going to go nuts for a “Kneel before Zod” line). It’s looking to continue the positive movement of the last two seasons, and I’m proud to say I watch Smallville again.

Dollhouse – Fox Fridays 9:00 to 10:00

Oh, Dollhouse. You’re quite the schizophrenic show, aren’t you? So many flashes of brilliance in a short period make you think the show is destined for greatness (“Man on the Street” and the two-part finale from season one, “Epitaph One,” and moments from the season two premiere),  and yet there are still parts of it that just don’t click. “Epitaph One” was quite the gamble, and while it was an abjectly brilliant episode, I’m not all that sure it was such a good idea considering the series was eventually picked up to continue.  Amy Acker, who was by all degrees the best part of the show, has the best moment of the season two premiere and then proceeds to leave the show. It’s moving without a rudder. It’s trying to decide if it’s going to be a procedural or a mythos show, and it needs to decide fast or it might lose me.

Friday Night Smackdown! – MyNetwork TV Fridays 8:00 to 10:00

Ah, good wrestlers. I remember you. It’s really the only watchable pro wrestling show on TV I have access to (Sorry, Ring of Honor, I no longer get HD Net). CM Punk is the man. Morrison and Ziggler are great. You’ve got more Chris Jericho/Big Show love. The better wrestlers combined with storylines that have some semblance of sense makes this the only pro wrestling show worth watching.

Saturday Night Live – NBC Saturday 11:30 to 1:00

Wow, SNL is not off to a good start. We’re going on three straight nigh unwatchable episodes. The writing is not up to par. The guest hosts have been used badly. There has been one decent digital short. Bill Hader remains a bright spot, but things are not looking good for SNL considering its start.

Dexter – Showtime Sunday 9:00 to 10:00

I go back and forth on Dexter a lot. The main storyline is almost always enjoyable, especially with the added wrinkle of John Lithgow playing the baddie. But the subplots, which have bored me to tears since the show started, continue to bore me to tears. I don’t care about a single character on that show other than Dexter and the villain he tracks. This has been the case every season. And while I’ll still enjoy the show and watch it for the immediate future, I can’t actually say that the show itself is actually good per se, because it has such glaring flaws. It’s an odd dichotomy.

Overall, I would say this TV season has been decent edging toward mildly disappointing. There are some top shelf shows that I know I will always enjoy, and that list should grow when Chuck and Lost return to the airwaves, but a lot of the shows I’ve liked in previous seasons are on a bit of a decline.

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This post was written to the tune of Sponge’s Wax Ecstatic

The Machine of Dreams, Circa 1999

This is it, folks. This is the story that made me a writer. It began as an innocuous English project in tenth grade of high school. I loved the hell out of writing it, and it even won a creative writing award. It holds up better than I expected, and it wasn’t complete torture reading it again for the first time in about seven or eight years. I present to you the Machine of Dreams. And yes, I’m embarrassed by the jokes I stole from other media. I was young. It happens.

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Meet Jim. Jim is a moron. He is also the main character of this story; therefore, you’ll have to deal with him. Enjoy. You see, the problem with Jim lies in his complete lack of common sense when it comes to, well, everything. He dropped out of high school and has a very rich daddy that gives him a cushy job at his business, DaddyCorp. Jim is happy with his job. He is regional monitor of sanitation. This, of course, means he is a janitor, but Daddy does not want him to know this fact; the title is meant to have big, important sounding words to make Jim content. It works. He lumbers around the offices all day with his mop and bucket, looking in amazement at all of the flickering fluorescent lights. Flashing lights amuse Jim, but so do food processors; therefore, that isn’t saying much.

DaddyCorp itself has many products. So many that they are impossible to count. You see, they specialize in making everything you’ve ever desired. You call them, place an order with their phone answering specialists, better known as secretaries, and no matter how insane or implausible that wish it, it will arrive at your door within two weeks or your money will be reimbursed. For example, if you want a vintage German World War 1 helmet filled with shaving cream and signed by Abe “The Fish” Vigoda, they can have it whipped right up. If you want a Steve Vai guitar pick dipped in gold and used to kill an old lady, it can be made, lickety-split. In fact, that little item was last year’s best seller. It was a slow year.

By now, you’re probably wondering how this company could possibly create these wondrous requests. It’s quite simple, actually. DaddyCorp has created a special Machine of Dreams (Patent number 00123004) that has a way of conjuring up anything you would ever want. Jim’s daddy is the inventor and sole owner of the only Machine of Dreams ever made, for more than one of such a powerful machine operating at a time would surely rip apart the space time continuum and destroy the world as we know it in exactly 5.3467782291155 seconds. However, there is no danger in this ever happening, for everyone but a moron knows the power of that machine. It’s just common sense.

Now, a problem presents itself (as most problems do around this time of a story). DaddyCorp hits a wall, a very large wall with spikes protruding from it. This is quite a wall. In fact, this particular wall has won Most Valuable Metaphorical Wall for three straight years in “Metaphorical Walls Weekly,” but I digress. Back to the problem. Daddy is dead. It is quite a grisly death, involving a rabid hamster, a tube of super glue, and a wet suit with the bottom cut out. I’ll leave the rest up to you. You may now wonder who did this dastardly deed. Well, Louie the Skunk is the official killer, but he is paid off by another. By whom, you ask? None other than Jim himself. Why would Jim kill his own daddy? Is it for greed? For fame? For the really comfy leather chair that spins in Daddy’s office? Of course not. Jim is too stupid to have an ulterior motive, or even a motive at all. He simply turned to the wrong card in his Rolodex at the time of the “order,” and has Daddy whacked instead of his arch rival, the man that killed his hamster so many years ago. It was first degree hamstercide! Why he would have this man in his Rolodex is another question altogether, but with people like Jim, you learn to stop asking questions.

As Daddy’s only son and heir to the family business, Jim is given way too much power for his own good. First of all, he decided to change the name of DaddyCorp to Multinational Compuglobal Hyper Meganet, or Jim’s Stuff for short. Despire the name, Jim’s business has nothing to do with computers at all. Unlike Daddy, Jim is not a shrewd business man. He did not go to any fancy business colleges, nor did he even finish high school for that matter, and he suddenly has all this power. His opponents know that Jim is not cut out for his new place in life, and they’re ready to exploit him at their earliest convenience. They also know that with patents, Daddy would never have to share his Machine of Dreams without expressed, written consent, signed in triplicate, lost, found, lost again, and passed through the digestive tract of a puma (Daddy had very good lawyers), and everyone knows that will never happen. Even Jim isn’t that dumb. However, he is dumb enough to accidentally burn the patent papers by lighting a cigar with them. In normal progression, Jim is sued for the lucrative gains that having a monopoly on the market of everything in the world you’ve ever desired supplies. The stage is set for a hostile takeover of gastronomic proportions.

*          *          *

The court date approaches quickly, and Jim decided to call his lawyers for the first time on the morning of the trial. Jim is happy in his blissful ignorance; he thinks everything will be okay. He thinks that if Daddy handled these types of cases with relative ease, he always could. The only problem with this is the fact that Jim forgot to factor in his overwhelming ignorance. Whoops. The lawyers have absolutely no case without patent papers, and they don’t have time to get new papers from the patent offices. Jim’s empire is about to crumble.

The trial is long and tedious, although the only witness throughout the entire proceedings is Jim. Why would one witness take so long to be examined? Yet again, this is Jim we’re talking about here, and ignorance is yet again the key descriptive word. It takes the bailiff 45 minutes to swear Jim in, during which the questions “What is a Bible?” is repeated to the point of futility. During the testimony itself, Jim must be reminded many a time to stay on task and leave out his drinking buddies and that cute girl in the third row of the court gallery. After much, much too long, the trial is over, and Jim is forced to share his Machine of Dreams with two other companies.

*          *          *

There is now fierce competition in the field of everything you’ve ever desired between three businesses: Multinational Compuglobal Hyper Meganet, Jim’s corporation; SiblingRivalryCorp, which is founded and run by two warring brothers; and ShrewdBusinessMan Inc., owned and operated by the greatest businessman in the world. After a short period of time, SiblingRivalryCorp and ShrewdBusinessMan Inc. begin to lower their prices. Jim does not. In fact, he raises his prices. After a month, Multinational Compuglobal Hyper Meganet is in dead last and getting none of those important lucrative gains the former monopoly he occupied provided. Jim himself even begins to buy from SiblingRivalryCorp. Hell, he ran the business far enough into the ground already, why stop now? Things are looking very grim indeed for our moronic hero.

Jim is not vanquished yet. He is determined to make his dead daddy proud; therefore, he starts selling hamburgers. Jim’s House of Murdered and Processed Cow Carcasses is born. Sadly, the snappy title does not help Jim’s sales figures one bit, and although they seem very popular with the FDA, he soon goes out of business. He is undaunted, and opens a salad shop, for everyone is a health nut these days. He names the new franchise Jim’s House of Murdered Plants, Fruits and Vegetables Thrown into a Rather Large Bowl and Smothered in Fattening Dressing, Which is Made of Even More Dead Stuff. Another snappy title, but even less business, and Jim soon loses that business as well. He tries for one more product. Fried chicken. Everyone loves chicken! It can’t fail! Jim’s House of Murdered Poultry Slaughtered and Deep Fried for Your Enjoyment is another dismal failure, and Jim is fresh out of ideas.

Walking down the street one day, Jim comes across a homeless man. Looking at him, he gets an idea. The idea to end all ideas! He will build another Machine of Dreams and make hot dogs with it! Jim’s House of Everything You’ve Ever Dreamed of Stuffed in Pig Entrails and Burned for Half an Hour will be a surefire success.

With relative ease, Jim locates the blueprints for Daddy’s Machine of Dreams, which ironically have the patent information written on them, and sets to work. It proves to be a daunting task, as Jim takes seventeen days and nights to look up the word blueprint in a dictionary, and another seventeen to decipher the meaning of the prints. Fifteen days are taken locating wood for the project, a step that proves to be futile, as no wood is needed for the project, seventy-five days to find the material actually needed for the project, and another thirty days on top of that to finish building. He takes a step back and looks at his marvelous creation. True, the original prototype wasn’t hot pink with magenta polka dots, but Jim thinks this adds character to an otherwise dull, bright green machine. Anything in the world would soon be at his fingertips with just a few words. And to think of all the hot dogs! Those plump little dogs begin to make Jim salivate in anticipation, although the small bell that begins to ring at the exact same moment from an undisclosed area may have something to do with it, and his stomach begins to rumble. He cannot wait any longer, and he approaches the Day-Glo colored machine. With a pause for dramatic effect, which means nothing since he is the only one in the room, Jim sticks out his finger and presses the ON button…

5.3467722991155

4.3467722991155

3.3467722991155

2.3467722991155

1.3467722991155

0.3467722991155

What a moron.

BOOM

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This post was written to the tune of Peter Gabriel’s Plays Live

Coming Soon…

I took a trip back to Pennsylvania the first weekend of October. While I was there, I was given a printout of my original version of The Machine of Dreams from 1999-2000. I’m going to type it up and post it to the blog this weekend. I have to make a couple of typographical fixes, but otherwise, it will remain untouched. You’ll be able to see the tense inconsistencies, the couple of BLATANTLY (we’re talking word for word here) stolen jokes from other media (namely, Red Dwarf, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Simpsons, and possibly the movie Airheads. Not too proud of that last one) in all their glory. You have been warned.

A Week Remembering VS System – The Finale

Today’s article is more about the deck itself than the actual matches. As such, I don’t remember any specific about said matches. So I’ll mostly be discussing the design of my deck and how it beats in faces on a regular basis.

MKGKKO vs. A Litany of Decks (Impromptu Hobby League)

My greatest triumph in my gaming career was the initial design and eventual perfection of my Marvel Knights/Gotham Knights/Birds of Prey team-up deck I created a little while after the Marvel Legends release. The base idea of the deck has been around forever. MKKO was a deck that was created way back when the Marvel Knights set was released, based on using the litany of KO effects available to the Marvel Knights team to control their board while utilizing hidden characters to keep yours and attack for big numbers. The deck was revitalized by a much better roster of hidden characters in the Marvel Legends set. It always had one problem, though. The deck had no draw effects beyond Black Cat, Thrillseeker, who is definitely not a guaranteed draw as a one drop that requires an empty field to do her work. So what would be a good way to fix the deck? By adding card draw, of course! And what team has a startling amount of hidden area characters with big attack values? Why, the Birds of Prey, of course. And what team are nearly all of the Birds of Prey dual-affiliated with that has arguably the best team-up in the game that also doubles as a card drawing/cycling engine? The Gotham Knights! A quick combination of the Birds/GK characters from the DC World’s Finest set and the Marvel Knights from Marvel Legends and MKGKKO was born. By the time Marvel Universe was released, the deck received two more gems and became a force to be reckoned with. Here’s the deck.

Characters:

4x Lady Blackhawk, Zinda Blake

3x Black Cat, Thrillseeker

4x Daredevil, Fearless Survivor

2x Huntress, Vicious Vigilante

4x Barbara Gordon <> Oracle, Hacker Elite

1x Blade, Independent Contractor

4x Wolverine, Covert Predator

1x Vixen, Mari Jai McCabe

2x Cassandra Cain, Death’s Daughter

1x Punisher, Captain America

1x Captain America, Loyal Patriot

2x Dinah Laurel Lance <> Black Canary, Cry in the Dark

1x Hulk, Savage Hulk

Plot Twists:

4x The Hook-Up, Team-Up

3x Mobilize

3x Wild Ride

4x Flying Kick

4x Savage Beatdown

4x Quick Kill

3x Finishing Move

3x Blinding Rage

3x Pathetic Attempt

Let’s talk about the deck in detail. From a character perspective, you’ve got a full curve of both Birds of Prey and Marvel Knights characters. Much of how the deck plays depends on who you see on turn one. You’re going to be mulliganing for a turn one character unless you have low cost Marvel Knights and Birds of Prey and your team-up. The best of all worlds would be the following curve in order:

Black Cat

Daredevil

Barbara Gordon

Wolverine

Cassandra Cain

Black Canary/Hulk.

If you’re looking at a curve like that, your only real choices come into play on three, five and six. Barbara draws you cards, but Blade might become necessary either for the team-up if you lead with Blackhawk/Huntress or to begin slowing down an opposing hidden deck. Plus, you can just sub Barbara into the game a little later. Wolverine’s good for slowing hidden decks as well, and he’s always a better play than Vixen (who isn’t Gotham Knights). Punisher and Cap are designed for two reasons. The first is to have something in the visible area to soak damage, and the second is for both of their defensive tricks. Punisher’s a good choice on initiative if necessary, but if your hand is full of characters, you play Cassandra Cain. Cap gets played off initiative, and even then it’s only if he’s the only character or if you’re behind on the endurance race and facing down something big and scary. The choice for turn six is entirely due to feel. If you don’t feel confident you can get Savage Hulk to do his thing, Black Canary’s 14 attack should usually be enough to finish things. ONLY PLAY SAVAGE HULK IF YOU ARE POSITIVE HE WILL GET A CLEAR ATTACK. If you’ve managed to KO your opponent’s entire board and have a good board of characters for back-up leading to your initiative on turn six, you can probably get away with playing Savage Hulk. NEVER PLAY SAVAGE HULK OFF INITIATIVE. NEVER. It’s almost better to not play a character than to kill yourself by playing Savage Hulk, especially if you’re dealing with someone packing exhaust effects. Savage Hulk is a member of the deck more for finishing off an opponent in spectacular fashion than for tipping the tides in your favor during a close game. He will kill you and lose you a game if you’re not careful.

As far as the blues are concerned, they’re pretty self explanatory. Quick Kill is great because you can get the effect without having a Marvel Knights character on the board. I wouldn’t necessarily say Mobilize is a great search card for the deck, considering there are two characters that don’t have either of the core team affiliations (Lady Blackhawk is just Birds of Prey and Vixen is Birds/JLA, so if you lead with Blackhawk and want to Mobilize, you’re going to need two Hook-Ups to cross Birds with GK or MK), however, the Birds don’t have a search, and Bat Signal slows down the deck by exhausting characters to search instead of exhausting them to attack or KO. Some luck is involved, but usually if you can get the team-up established you should be in good shape. Worst case, you can always kamikaze Lady Blackhawk into someone and not recover her. Pumps are pumps, in this case being the Flying Kick/Savage Beatdown/Blinding Rage variety. Quick Kills should be exclusively used for the small drops if possible, as Finishing Moves need to be around for those fives and sixes. Much like Quick Kill, Wild Ride is great because it doesn’t require a Marvel Knights character on the field. It’s a great way to search out that Daredevil or Wolverine to establish a team-up. The Hook-Up should be used every turn if possible. Discarding characters to draw Savage Beatdowns are always great.

This deck just ruins people. It rushes fast with attack pumps to kill quickly. It KO’s your opponent’s characters to mitigate damage, establish tempo and control your opponent’s options. The KO effects start early and can do a lot to stop your opponent prior to the turn four Pathetic Attempts. Blade and Wolverine can stop hidden area decks in their tracks. It’s just mean.

THE ‘MATCH’

My buddy Los and I decided to do a two man hobby league one Sunday after we had played some casual games. MKGKKO had just reached another level and was quickly becoming established as a stone cold killer. I always bring tons of other decks with me and so does Los, so we thought it would be fun to set up a two man deck gauntlet. Each person chose four decks. Games would be played in succession; each time a player lost, he would switch his deck out for a new one. First player to four wins is the victor. I led off with MKGKKO. I didn’t need any of my other decks. I can’t remember exactly what Los played. I know he was testing out a few decks. I believe there was a Titans/Outsiders team attack deck based around Tim Drake, and I would assume (since this is Los, after all) that Insanity was in play as well. He might have had a Captain America deck built at that time too. Regardless, he got trounced in a real and significant way. Four straight wins for MKGKKO. This was basically the beginning of its real and significant reign of terror.

I’ve only lost two games with the deck. Ever. I can even make excuses about the second loss because it was after I sold my Mobilizes and the deck just isn’t as good packing Bat Signals. The other loss was a casual game against a heavily tuned monster of a Clash of Two Worlds Dr. Doom deck running all kinds of golden age shenanigans. We’re talking Reign of Terror, Press the Attack, Latveria, things like that. And I was playing a version of MKGKKO that was designed for modern age and only included cards from Marvel Legends, World’s Finest, and the Hellboy Starter Deck (thanks, Flying Kick!). And the funny thing is that my record against that deck is still somewhere in the range of 12-1. I was originally going to write my Friday article on that match-up, but that’s obviously not happening considering that it’s Friday right now. Safe to say, my success against that deck is entirely based on being able to KO his Dooms the turn they hit play. This turns off his ability to Reign of Terror and use Faces of Doom to search his curve. It works quite well, really. The game I lost basically was because I couldn’t find my KO effects, and Reign of Terror was wrecking my board to take away my tempo. It was still a close game, and I believe he won on seven, so even though I missed cards, I still almost beat him. That’s the raw power of this deck.

I will always love VS System. I was in the middle of a campaign to teach my friends the VS love, but that was derailed (in a good way) by our discovery of the Arkham Horror board game. I’ll get back to it at some point, and thoroughly look forward to the prospect of buying boxes on the cheap on the net and holding some draft nights. As a pure card gaming system, nothing will beat it. It allows for more than enough consistency to stave off frustration (I’m looking at you, Magic the Gathering), but is also one of the ultimate examples of a game that rewards the better player. If you are a better player than your opponent and your decks are of relative equality, you will win basically every time. The frustrates a lot of casual fans, and could be why the casual base never existed to eventually lead to the game’s death. Even still, for those who take the time, study the game, play a bunch and get a true understanding of the mechanics, it’s a gloriously rewarding chess match every time you shuffle up. There are people out there who are keeping the dream alive. For various reasons, I cannot join them in their quest to turn it into something that can last beyond the involvement of Upper Deck Entertainment. I’m content to live with my memories, which is exactly what this week has been about.

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This post has been written to the tune of Wired All Wrong’s Break Out the Battle Tapes.

A Week Remembering VS System, Part 3

Today’s installment (let’s see if I can actually get out five articles this week. Might have to cut it to four) is about pure, unadulterated agression. I give you the hidden rush deck.

DC Legends City Championships: Injustice Gang (Me) vs. Skrulls (Silver Age)

Ah, DC Legends. The second wave of VS System’s restructuring, and the first instance of DC cards with the new card layout. This was, of course, also the last DC set in VS System, and the announcement of the death of DC in VS was one of the early warning signs that things were slowly coming to an end. The Injustice Gang team in DC Legends had two separate themes. The first, a refeature of the original Injustice Gang theme from the Justice League set, force the opponent to draw lots of cards and then punished him for it, mostly by having the opponent take damage for drawing, stopping them from using plot twists, burning them for the total numbers of cards in hand, etc. The second theme was altogether new, and it was the theme I used to build my deck. This was an over the top, super strong hidden deck that featured characters with abilities that made them stronger off initiative. It’s one of those hidden rush decks that plays fast and loose with endurance. You can kill very fast under the right circumstances, but you can die very fast as well if the stars have not aligned in your favor. Let’s take a look at the basics of the deck.

Characters:

4x Penguin, Gentleman of Crime

3x Catwoman, Cat O Nine Tails

4x Johnny Quick, Earth 3

2x Superwoman, Earth 3

4x Black Manta, Deepwater Denizen

2x Owlman, Earth 3

4x Jemm, Son of Saturn

1x Ultraman, Earth 3

4x White Martian, Earth 3

2x Prometheus, New Year’s Evil

Plot Twists:

4x Secret Files

3x Mobilize

4x Flying Kick

4x Blinding Rage

4x Savage Beatdown

4x Big Leagues

2x Crime Syndicate of Amerika

Locations:

3x Hunte Castle

2x Hellfire Club

It should be noted that I only had two Crime Syndicates at the time I played this deck.

Hunte Castle/Hellfire Club: Two cards that have team-stamped effects that have nothing to do with Injustice Gang. Their non-stamped effects, of course, are what matter, and both give across the board attack pumps to hidden area characters. Shocking that I would want hidden area attack pumps, I know. Getting one or both of these out adds such a huge damage output over the course of a game, especially if you hit it early enough.

Many pumps! HANDLE IT! NOW!!!! You’ve got the standard seven search cards to ensure you get as much of your curve as possible, and the rest is just simple, raw attack pumps. Hell, more than half the characters are either oversized or offer attack bonuses in certain situations. It’s a simple situation. You kill your opponent before he can kill you. Because of all the attack pumps in this deck, it’s not difficult to see things like Black Manta attacking direct for close to 20 on turn three. This ends the game quickly.

THE MATCH

This was the finals of the City Championships. Both of us knew the game would end FAST, considering that Injustice Gang hidden and Skrulls are two of the fastest killers in the format. Plus, they both predicate themselves on the hidden area (The Skrulls deck uses Franklin Richards, Creator of Counter Earth to move all the cosmic Skrulls hidden and Captain America, Skrull Imposter to make them unstunnable). I thought I had the advantage, considering that the Skrulls work better when attacking characters, and Injustice Gang works better attacking directly. As long as I got my character curve and hit some pumps along the way, I was confident I could take him down.

I recall the match lasting maybe ten minutes at most. I killed on either four or five, I’m not sure exactly which turn it was, but it was significant because both of us were well into the negatives on the kill turn. Flying Kicks and Savage Beatdowns were flying fast and furious on both sides of the board. Black Manta was a star, attacking direct for probably 30+ damage in total just by himself. Johnny Quick made sure to one-way any Skrull that was left visible would be taken down without the stun back. I guess the match itself wasn’t all that amazing or spectacular, but it was just impressive seeing the immense damage that could be caused in such a short period of time. We’re talking about final endurance totals of -40 to -20 in five turns. 90 endurance loss in five turns for a non-combo deck is pretty good, especially considering that I did over 50 in one turn alone.

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This post was written to the tune of Stephen Sondheim’s Assassins [Original Cast Recording]

A Week Remembering VS System, Part 2

I can blame this part not coming out last night on receiving season 8 of Smallville on DVD in the mail. Instead of posting, I watched a few episodes and exercised for about three hours. Good night.

Marvel Legends Build a Legend Event: Jean Grey Abuse (Me) vs. Jean Grey Abuse

Ah, the dreaded mirror match. Build a Legend was a format that was created in the wake of the release of the Marvel Legends set. This set featured “legends,” characters that not only had multiple drops in the set, but also had plot twists and locations that keyed off controlling them (“Use only if you control Wolverine” or “Target Wolverine gets X” and so on). These were some powerful themes, and the format dictated that decks would only be legal only if they contained at least twelve cards that referenced a specific character. These could take the role of character cards, plot twists, locations, or equipment. I had been working on a Jean Grey based deck since the release of Marvel Legends, partially because I loved her theme (she gets stronger for each Jean Grey character card in your KO’d pile to represent the numerous times she has died), and partially because it involves playing an absurdly large five drop, which is always fun. I was not at all surprised that Tom also brought a Jean Grey deck to the party, considering his love of all things redheads. Here’s an approximation of the decklist.

Characters:

4x Jean Grey, Teen Telepath

3x Jean Grey, Telekinetic Fighter

4x Wolverine, Logan

2x Jean Grey, Age of Apocalypse

3x Emma Frost, Ice Queen

1x Nightcrawler, Hit Factory

4x Jean Grey, Phoenix Rising

3x Colossus, Organic Steel

1x Jean Grey, Red

2x Juggernaut, The Unstoppable

1x Professor X, World’s Most Powerful Telepath

2x Jean Grey, Phoenix Force

Plot Twists:

4x Mobilize

4x Splintering Consciousness

4x Turnabout

4x Flying Kick

3x Telepathic Suppression

3x Savage Beatdown

3x New and Improved

3x Sneak Attack

Locations:

3x Cerebro

Let’s talk individual cards.

Jean Grey, Phoenix Rising/New and Improved: The heart of the deck, this Jean Grey gets +1/+1 counters for each Jean Grey in the KO’d pile when she’s recruited. What’s shocking is despite this awesome power, she still starts out at the standard 9/9 size for any five drop. She can get very big, and it can happen very fast. With close to 20 Jeans in the deck, it’s not difficult to have a Jean Grey character card ready-to-hand (Oh God, I just used Heideggerian language) to discard for a power-up, or the recruit cost of Emma Frost, Ice Queen, or the discard cost for Cerebro and Mobilize. The added benefit of New and Improved allows you to KO your 2 cost Jean (who should still be on the table considering the high defense of both Wolverine and Emma Frost) to get two extra +1/+1 counters and add another Jean to your KO’d pile. It’s not difficult to get the five drop to 15/15 or higher on turn five, which is just a massive problem for your opponent to handle.

Telepathic Suppression: This card is a super star simply because of its effect on some game based effects that would not necessarily be clear otherwise. Telepathic Suppression stops a character from being targeted by anything during an attack. This usually acts perfectly fine as a plot twist fizzle, whether you’re stopping attack or defense pumps on a character. What many people did not immediately realize is that both powering up and reinforcing are game based effects that target a character (i.e. the actual effect of a power-up is Discard a character card -> Target attacker or defender that shares a name with the discarded character card gets +1/+1 this attack, and the actual effect of a reinforcement is Exhaust an adjacent support row character that shares a team affiliation to target character -> Target character is reinforced this attack). Telepathic Suppression thus is one of the few (if only) cards that can stop both power-ups and reinforcement, and considering the Build a Legend format, stopping power-ups is always a good thing.

Everything else is relatively self explanatory for why it’s in the deck and how it works.

THE MATCH

Tom’s version of the deck was very different than mine. Tom was fully committed to Jean, and basically played her at every possible drop. Once he passed turn five, he would usually KO his five drop Jean to New and Improved in order to play out a new one that would get progressively larger as he filled his KO’d pile. This was a weakness to his deck, and I think it’s why the match turned out the way it did. I was much more focused on having a full curve of characters and only expecting to play Jean on three turns (2, 5, and 8). Characters like Wolverine, Emma Frost, Colossus and Juggernaut allowed for a more robust board, and despite some good work by Tom early (using his Jean Grey, Age of Apocalypse to fizzle a Splintering Consciousness and a Mobilize), I used my extra characters to get a hefty endurance lead heading into turn 8. Once we reached turn 8, it became a duel of 8 drop Jeans. Jean Grey, Phoenix Force has the ability to activate to bounce the whole board and go to the KO’d pile. Tom bounced everything on turn 8, I bounced everything on turn 9, him on turn 10, me on turn 11. Going into 12, I was concerned. Tom had a Slaughter Swamp face up, which meant he could constantly recur his 8 drops, of which he ran four. I only had two in the deck and no recursion, which meant my 8’s were no longer in the picture. He could bounce my stuff all day and I could do nothing to stop it. I don’t think it occurred to me at the time that I basically had Tom completely locked down, and he wouldn’t be able to push any damage through (though he probably didn’t realize that because he hadn’t seen my whole deck), and I could just win on time if necessary. I was leading somewhere in the vicinity of 23 to 9 at that point, and Tom’s turn twelve (on his initiative) consisted of playing Jean Grey, Teen Telepath and KO’ing her to New and Improved to bring out a simply massive Jean Grey, Phoenix Rising that was probably a 27/27 or something equally ridiculous. What’s important is that he had one attack kill power on the board, and I didn’t have an 8 drop Jean to bounce it.

It was at this point that I realized I had the game. I used a Mobilize in my resource row to search out Professor X, World’s Most Powerful Telepath, playing Jean Grey, Telekinetic Fighter (and putting another Jean in my hand due to her effect) to satisfy his Loyalty requirement. I dropped Professor X on the board and activated him on Tom’s Jean Grey, which would exhaust her to remove her attacking threat and have the added bonus of burning him for close to 30 endurance loss to end the game. He responded by KO’ing Jean to New and Improved. This was not something I considered, and I had to think about what I could do. Professor X was exhausted and all I had was my little 3/2 Jean Grey. Once again, I did have the game locked at this point, I just didn’t realize it, so I was determined to finish things right there. I attacked with Jean. A Flying Kick pushed her attack to 6, leaving me three away from the kill. At this point, I knew I had won, but I decided to be suspenseful. There was a bit of a crowd around the table considering that our game was by far the longest of the round, and seeing a mirror match involving twelve resources on a side is going to draw some eyes. I powered up my Jean with the two remaining Jean Greys I had in my hand, bumping her attack to 8. One more was all I needed. I paused for effect, took a deep breath and activated Cerebro. The first card off the top was a Savage Beatdown, which is ironic considering it would have given me plenty of attack to finish the job. It went to the bottom. The second, and final (and Tom’s best chance at survival) card from Cerebro was revealed to be the necessary Jean Grey. I pitched a Telepathic Suppression and powered up for the win. Tom doesn’t know I had another Mobilize in my row and I could have just searched for the Jean for the win.

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This post was written to the tune of Tom Waits’ Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards

A Week Remembering VS System, Part 1

This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but in part due to the fantastic Comic Geek Speak Episode 700 being a close to three hour behemoth and Monday being one of my busier television nights, I’m going to throw two of these up on the blog today. In part because I want to write on this thing more (this is becoming a disturbing theme) and in part because I had a few recent discussions about the topic at hand, I’m going to spend this week talking about VS SYSTEM, the single greatest collectible card game ever made, that died quietly at the end of last year. I’m going to reminisce about my five favorite matches. First up is the very first tournament I ever played, the inaugural Random Punks hobby league.

Random Punks: Heralds of Galactus/Inhumans (Me) vs. High Voltage (Squadron Supreme/Other Stuff)

Random Punks is a format in which rares are not allowed in the game and decks must be built using only common and uncommon cards. The choice of playing a Heralds of Galactus/Inhumans team-up deck that is designed to gain endurance and stall was a simple one for a few reasons. Some of the true adages of VS System deck building is to have character search cards and oversized characters for their cost. Most of the cards that give you these advantages are rare. The Heralds of Galactus team has an uncommon search card (Kindred Sprits, which has the added bonus of searching for two characters at the detriment of limiting your draw capabilities) and at that point in time had the only non-rare 8 cost character (Tyrant, The Original Herald). There was also the added bonus of the Heralds’ life gaining abilities, and some nice card drawing choices. The Inhumans added the extra flair of using Franklin Richards, Creator of Counter-Earth to move important cosmic characters to the hidden area, and Human Torch, The Invisible Man to allow for the team to be reinforced and mitigate damage. I do not have a decklist for the deck anymore, but I can give a list that will give an idea of what the deck was trying to do.

Characters:

4x Lockjaw, Inhuman’s Best Friend

4x Franklin Richards, Creator of Counter Earth

1x Silver Surfer, Skyrider of the Spaceways

4x Frankie Raye <> Nova, Soul Searcher

4x Human Torch, The Invisible Man

1x Morg, Corrupt Destroyer

3x Air-Walker, Harbinger of Despair

1x Silver Surfer, Righteous Protector

3x Destroyer, Harbinger of Devastation

3x Galactus, The Maker

2x Tyrant, The Original Herald

Plot Twists:

3x Cosmic Necessity

3x Relentless Onslaught

4x Kindred Spirits

4x The Power Cosmic Unleashed

4x Extended Family, Team-Up

4x Cover Fire

2x A Proud Zinco Product

Locations:

3x Elemental Converters

2x World Eater Apparatus

2x Soul World

Once again, this list is most likely not accurate. A couple of specific thoughts about cards in the deck:

Cover Fire: This card is STUPID GOOD in this deck on this team. Every single character but Franklin Richards has range (Yes, even Lockjaw). If the deck is working, Franklin is sending every character into the hidden area every turn starting with three, so on turn five it would be the opponent’s initiative (the deck wants to go second because Destroyer is oversized and Tyrant wrecks people since no one else has an 8), when the 8/11 monster Air-Walker, Harbinger of Despair is the only visible character on your field and you have some Cover Fires as backup, they are going to get brick walled. This allows you to foster board presence (which is important for both Cover Fire and the exhaustion effects of World-Eater Apparatus and Cosmic Necessity) and save endurance to last until 8. Of course, the problem with choosing evens is the fact that Galactus, The Maker almost never gets a chance to activate, but that’s not a big deal.

Destroyer, Harbinger of Devastation: A common six drop that gets large enough to stun sevens? Yes, please. The Power Cosmic Unleashed loves this guy, especially because you can’t use it until combat, so it usually surprises people and leads to a six on six one-way stun. That’s often the beginning of the end.

Cosmic Necessity: Making your opponents choose can often lead to good things. The choice offered by Cosmic Necessity (either gaining five endurance or drawing two cards) directly led to every one of my wins during that tournament. The only person that made me gain endurance lost because of it (more on that later), and the cards I drew were almost always exactly what I needed to finish my opponent off. It’s the perfect card for this format.

THE MATCH

Things went well for both of us in this game. I hit my drops in concert, with Lockjaw leading to Franklin, and Franklin shipping Frankie Raye to the hidden area to get my card draw mojo going early. I also hit my team-up early, which helped immensely. Bryan took the endurance lead early thanks to the giant Melissa Gold <> Songbird, Sonic Carapace. Her effect allowed me to reuse a Cosmic Necessity for a total of ten endurance gain. This was significant, especially considering High Voltage and its outside combat endurance burn capabilities. Worldeater Apparatus was humming along, and we reached the war of attrition stage, which huge characters on each side (my Destroyer, his Albert Gaines <> Nuke, Atomic Powerhouse). We reached eight, Tyrant did his thing, and both of us were pushed into the negatives. Golden Archer was burning for six. Black Panther was using his Advanced Hardware to burn for three. I ended up winning by about two endurance (we’re talking -13 to -11, or something in that range) thanks to Worldeater and that double Cosmic Necessity, as well as Human Torch’s reinforcement. It was enough to weather the storm and come out on top thanks to the combined 49 attack of my 6, 7, and 8 drops. I ended up winning my first ever tournament and coming away with a playmat and two EA Mobilizes.

Now, I’m aware of a couple things. One, the fact that I never update this thing means that no one is going to read it. Two, the few people that might due to some self serving Twitter/Facebook links won’t care one lick about the game or understand half the things I’m talking about here.  Such is the cross to bear for niche entertainment. Do stay tuned. I should hopefully finish that story soon (it hasn’t been updated due to lack of time, not lack of interest) and talk about some other things in the (hopefully) near future.

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This post was written to the tune of MUTEMATH’s Armistice

Going Home Again, Part 5

This did not take nearly as long to write as part 4. Could have posted it last week, but my seven year old Dell desktop has finally given up on the world and will soon be going to that great PC graveyard in the sky. It was a good PC, wise beyond its years, but nothing lasts forever. I think this installment of the story is a marked improvement from the fourth. I hope that’s actually true.

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I left for Philadelphia on a Friday morning. I packed my suitcase in the car, had an audio book copy of the World of Ruin to force myself to listen to (I hadn’t heard anything from Ellen in the previous two weeks, and thus assumed that she was unable to deter the bookstore from their choice of reading), as well as a selection of happier music for those times I get so fed up with my terrible prose that I need a change of pace. I expect the Beatles compilation that I made up specifically for the trip down to be of special utility to that effect. It’s about an eight hour trip from my town to the hotel, so I’ll have plenty of time to get myself mentally prepared not only for the reading (I easily could have put my foot down and cancelled the whole trip in a huff, but that defeats the purpose, now doesn’t it?) but the outside prospect of finding Victoria amongst the masses. There’s a lot of confidence that comes from being an incredibly successful writer at such a young age. That doesn’t mean I’m not a nervous wreck right now as I drive through central Massachusetts. The mind is a funny thing. We were together for nearly three years; I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin as when I was with her, and yet the possibility of seeing her makes my mind turn to mush.

I’m driving past the outskirts of Worcester when “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” hits the speakers. John Lennon doing his version of a Bob Dylan song. It’s one of my favorites. I roll down the windows, a cool breeze flows past my arm as I sing along, getting louder as I reach the explosive “Hey!” at the beginning of the chorus refrain. Music is often catharsis. You live through the lyrics and instrumentation. You relate to the singer, feel his plight, know you’re not alone. It’s not difficult to resonate with John Lennon. “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” is one of the better lovelorn songs in the Beatles lexicon, and I feel the emotion drain away as I sing at the top of my lungs, my audience the wind whipping across the car as I speed down the Mass Pike toward my ultimate goal. The next song, “Glass Onion,” brings me down to earth with a smile on my face. I can do this. Never should have been worried in the first place.

If I’m going to do this, I should do it right. I eject the Beatles CD from the stereo, light a cigarette and insert the seventh disc of the audio book. The dry, British tones of the man Harper Collins got to read the audio version of The World of Ruin is barely audible underneath the wind. I should probably roll up the windows, but I just lit this cigarette and I’d be damned if I’m not going to finish it. I flip the stereo over to the radio, there’s a low drone of station that is not quite there and fading fast. No sense in trying to hone in on a stronger signal; it’s not like I would hear any of it anyway. You can’t hear much of anything with the windows open going upwards of 85 miles an hour on a highway. The cigarette is burned down to the filter, so I flick it out the window and close off the wind. I turn the audio book back on and begin to listen.

Josephine ran. That’s all she could do. Her gnarled yew bow gripped in her right hand, she cursed herself for not striking the killing blow with her last arrow. She could hear the pounding feet of Andriphaele directly behind her.

Andriphaele? God, that’s a terrible name. What the fuck was I thinking?

She could feel his rancid breath on the back of her neck. She needed to do something, create some distance. Running full tilt through the Darkened Grove was not conducive to making strategic decisions. She was amazed she hadn’t fallen yet, her elven senses allowing her to instinctively dodge the underbrush, keeping her deceptively strong ankles from becoming entangled in exposed roots or shrubs. She altered her gait, stepped down on a particularly dangerous root and flicked her long, slender toes, pulling the root up further in one fluid moment. A few seconds later, she could hear a snap, an anguished yell and a thud as Andriphaele tumbled to the ground. She dared not look back. Her lungs burned, sucking in hot sticky air, stifling her breath. Her calves cramped, sending shooting pains up and down her body. She started to move erratically, hoping to lose her scent in the air among the trees.

Josephine dove behind a particularly dreadful tree. Decayed bark stuck out at random angles throughout the truck. Sometimes it was brittle and would disintegrate into nothing under the slightest external pressure. Other knots were sharp enough to draw blood. She could see the remains of sparrows in the deep crevasses of the tree. Bygones from an era long since past. Before Andriphaele. Before the dark times. Before death came to the land.

I don’t understand how anyone could take this dreck seriously. I’m impressed the narrator attacks it with such pathos. Makes it almost bearable. He’s doing a good job. Much better than I would.

Josephine should have kept moving. She knew this even as she stayed there, pinning herself against the rotting, desiccated tree. The weight of the day’s events seemed to hold her down like a blood-soaked animal fur on her back. Death was all around her, choking her, sapping her of strength. She knew Andriphaeale could not have been stalled long by her gambit, and he would certainly have been on the hunt and closing fast. She could see his giant, demonic slavering jaws, thirsting for blood in her mind’s eye. She could see those same jaws closing around the neck of Tristan just a few short hours ago. She began to weep. Her best friend, her greatest ally, her fiercest lover. All of it down the drain with one attack. She couldn’t even describe the feeling when she saw his ruined body, the gaping wound leaving throat open for the world to see, the straw-covered floor of their hideout stained crimson. And Andriphaele’s wrecked, twisted form towering over Tristan, licking the blood from his lips and curling them into the approximation of a smile.

She had been running non stop ever since she found Tristan. She couldn’t run anymore. It was pointless. Andriphaele would catch up to her eventually anyway. She would want to find him while she still had some strength left. She pulled a knife from the leather sheath hidden in her boot. It was small, but sharp. Maybe if she got a lucky shot in she could survive the encounter. She would just have to stay away from his teeming maw of shredding teeth. Easier said than done. She took a deep breath, calmed her nerves to the best of her ability and stepped out from behind her hiding place. She didn’t even see the giant hand swing at her the second she made herself visible. It connected with the side of her head with a sickening, heavy thud. She lost the knife, it careened away into the underbrush. She hit the sylvan floor and cut herself on the mass of roots and thorns. It was all over now. A powerful hand closed around her beck, pulling her up off the ground. She kicked feebly as Andriphaele smiled. He cut a long gash across her face with his claw. Blood began to seep, peppering the dead leaves below. Two more quick swipes of his free claw and Josephine’s shoulders were slashed open. The straps of her leather tunic fells away, exposing her breasts to the world. He was going to humiliate her before striking the killing blow.

She didn’t know how long he toyed with her. Her mind was swimming from the blow to the temple and the loss of blood. She was naked; Andriphaele had cut away every strip of leather from her shaking body. He had cut away the points at the top of her ears, a symbolic act of robbing her of her elven pride and heritage. She begged for him to kill her. She had nothing left to live for. Tristan was gone. Her kingdom, her world was shattered. Andriphaele refused to speak, refused to acknowledge her pleas. Blood and tears mixed together in her eyes, blinding her. It was excruciating torture. Eventually, he tired of the game and ended her with one quick, efficient snap of his jaws. All was blackness. He discarded her ruined body and moved on toward the town of Knutenheim with evil intentions on his mind.

I turn off the audio book. The prose, while not great, is better than I remember. It’s still too dark and shockingly misogynistic. I killed Josephine and Tristan, the main characters of the series since Songs of the Diamond was originally conceived with such malice and disdain. Maybe I thought doing so would kill the series. But it didn’t. Everafter was a strong return to form in my eyes. I don’t want to read this, but I might be able to pull it off in a way that is not completely embarrassing. We’ll have to see. I look out my window. Haven’t really been paying too much attention to the driving, which can happen when you’re heading down a long highway without having to worry about directions, exits, off-ramps, etc. I’m passing by Hartford now, getting closer all the time.

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This post was written to the tune of Tom Waits’ Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards

Going Home Again, Part 4

So I came up with a temporary title for this little creative writing project. I don’t necessarily believe that it will be the title when all is said and done, but it’s something to hang my hat on for now. I really struggled with this section of the story. I don’t think it’s very good. This is usually the point I reach in most stories I write where I hit a creative funk (we’re well over a month since part 3) trying to get past a difficult part of the narrative. In this case, it was filling the time between our intrepid hero finding out about his return date to Philadelphia and actually leaving to go there and move the story along. The good thing is I can simply revise this later into something readable once the whole thing is finished. I’m posting it for completeness’ sake on the off chance that anyone out there has a vested interest in this beyond me. Don’t hold it against me.

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Ellen gets back to me about a day later. The signing will be in three weeks at the U Penn bookstore. Not quite Old City, but close enough. Ellen is already hard at work with the promotion, taking out ads in the local free papers, papering clubs, coffee shops, and college hangouts. Her approach appears to be that I have become a Salinger-esque recluse that is coming out of hiding for a one time only special engagement or something equally silly. She sent me the print mock ups after she had already approved them and released them for public consumption all across the mid-Atlantic, and I had no opportunity to object. I don’t think I’m that out of touch with the real and literary worlds. Even still, this approach is certainly going to get the people to come out for this, and that was my intention when I pitched Ellen the idea. Granted, I would be perfectly happy if Victoria were the only person to come to the damned thing. Might even prefer it. But this is how you do things.

As snooty as Ellen has been in the past couple months since the doldrums kicked in, I can never say that she is a disappointing publicist. Everything I would ever need is going to be there waiting for me. Multiple editions of all my books, allowing people to choose whether they want the original cover or the movie tie-in version. She’ll probably have a boatload of DVD’s and Blu Rays of the copious film adaptations. She’s already sent over the hotel reservation; if all goes as planned that room will either be very busy or deserted for my three day stay. The signing itself is on a Friday night and I don’t check out until the following Monday. Ideas and situations are shooting through my head. It’s the most active my imagination has been in months, and it has nothing to do with writing , nor could it really translate into writing without becoming overtly metatextual. Metatext isn’t automatically a bad thing; it’s just never been my scene. I’m more fond of straight stories, not necessarily uncomplicated ones, but nothing that generally messes with any serious literary paradigms. I’m already reaching the point that I might consider a fresh start at writing when my phone starts vibrating off the table. It’s Ellen.

She’s in what I would like to refer to as a good mood. This usually indicates that she has news that she thinks will help my career immensely but probably won’t be something I particularly want to do. I decline to mention that I was about to take a crack at brainstorming ideas. That would be mean. “I’ve been talking to the folks at the U Penn Barnes and Noble. They’re very excited that you’re coming down just for them. They want to make this as big as possible.”

She pauses, mentally preparing herself for the other shoe to drop. I break the silence. “I’ve seen the ads. I wouldn’t exactly think of myself as reclusive, but I admire the effort as usual.”

“And I thank you for that.” I can hear her take a deep breath. “They want you to do a reading.” In addition to being able to audibly hear Ellen shrug, you can also hear her cringe.

I’m staring at the wall again, examining the cracks, trying to put myself into a calm and level disposition. I hate doing readings. “You know I hate readings.”

“Yes, I know. But the guys who helped me put this together think it’ll chase up more business for the store.”

“I don’t care about the store.” Perhaps if I just go about this from the perspective of irrational anger, I might get some leverage. “The whole point of this thing was to get away for a few days. Relax. Clear my head. If I have to worry about a reading the whole time I’m down there, I’m going to be a nervous wreck. Did they mention what they wanted me to read?”

Another pause. Longer this time. She doesn’t want to tell me. I’m cringing, but my body language is silent and imperceptible over the phone. Well, they were hoping you could read the climactic scenes from The World of Ruin.” Oh god. It’s like they’re trying to torture me. I consider The World of Ruin to be the worst book I have ever written. It’s the third installment of Songs of the Diamond, and the first novel I wrote in LA. I wouldn’t say I was miserable yet, but I missed Victoria terribly. It informed my process to a pretty intense degree, and I always thought it had an overly depressing and stifling tone. That might be why people liked it; a sort of Empire Strikes Back approach, but it never seemed genuine. The PR and subsequent signing tours were awful experiences; everyone made such a big deal about the dedication (“To my beloved Victoria. The world will never be the same without your fire.”). I’m pretty sure they all thought she had died. Things were just generally uncomfortable.

“George?” Apparently I have been silent for some time.

“I don’t know, Ellen. You know how much I hate readings. You know I hate that book. You might have an outside chance of convincing me to do a reading, but not that book. I’m gonna have to put my foot down on that one. Make some kind of counter offer or something. Try to aim for something a bit more cheery. I want a positive vibe coming out of this trip that will put me back on the right track.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Keep your chin up.”

The conversation ends, and I am returned to the sanctity of silence. I walk over to my bookshelf; I don’t even have a copy of The World of Ruin alongside the other hardcovers of my books. That’s a pretty good indication of my opinions about the book. I have to go up to my attic and actually find a copy of the book. I flip through it, just picking random passages and browsing through them. Even the descriptive work is dour and uninspired. I really need to find a way to get out of this one. I know I’m just making excuses at this point, but there’s no way I’m even going to try to write after that phone call. Better just to try and calm down and see if I can find anything to improve my mood and redouble my efforts.

I’m not sure if this is really the best way to go about things, but I decide my best course of action is to get nice and drunk. I head down to the living room on the first floor and open the china hutch in the far left corner that I converted into a liquor cabinet some time ago when I realized that I didn’t have any china and probably would not be getting some any time soon. The cabinet contains a sea of bottles filled to various states of capacity with different shades of predominantly brown liquids. There are some clear bottles in the back containing vodka, gin, and tequila, but these are simply there for the benefit of horrible sorts of people that would visit my home and actually have the temerity to turn down whiskey. Most of these people usually are not invited back, mostly because I don’t want to take the time to keep my stores of inferior spirits up to date and stocked. The tough choice I always run into is picking an actual whiskey to drink. Perhaps a nice smooth Canadian or a Kentucky bourbon with a bit more of an edge. Or maybe a mature peaty scotch. I shuffle through the bottles and decide on a twelve year Dewar’s. I pour a little too much in a rocks glass and drop in an ice cube or two. I’ve always loved the burn that comes from a good quality scotch. Great for a cool or cold day in autumn or winter. It also has the added ability to get you good and drunk.

I do have a tipping point when it comes to drinking. This may sound odd or shocking, but I am not particularly fond of either vomiting or hangovers. As such, it is rare that I do enough healthy drinking to reach the point that I get beyond a nice buzz. It loosens the tongue and allows for increased social interaction, but you remain in control of your faculties, will actually remember what happened, and the likelihood of doing something incredibly stupid and embarrassing is massively reduced. Keep in mind that despite this outlook, I can certainly hold my liquor. It’ll take me four to six drinks to even reach my goal of a comfortable buzz. As I sip on my fifth scotch, the living room releases itself from its confines and begins to lazily rotate around me. This is a good sign, the hallmark of the perfect buzz. I’m trying to keep my thoughts pleasant to stave off any potential belligerence, but my mind keeps returning to The World of Ruin and how much I hate it. It’s the one thing in my entire life I wish I could take back. Hell, the title isn’t even original; I outright stole it from a video game, Final Fantasy VI to be precise. It’s not that I’m upset the book is bad. If Douglas Adams could write Mostly Harmless, I’m certainly allowed to miss the mark at least once. What bothers me is its popularity. I would be happy if everyone hated it as much as I did. If I am hoodwinked into reading the book to my fans, it’ll be a hell of a lot of work to give any kind of affecting performance. Hell, it’ll be hard enough to not break into a huge rant about how the book sucks and no one knows what they’re talking about.

I can’t even commit to getting drunk. The buzz has already receded, and my mind is clear as a bell. I just need to sleep and find some way to busy myself until I leave for Philadelphia.

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This post was not written to the tune of any music at all. I wonder if that’s why it’s so underwhelming.